I am happy to report that said cake consumption yesterday went off without a hitch.
No digestive problems, no urges to eat more (it didn't hurt that the meal before dessert was very good, too), not too much anxiety around it once I actually sat down and started eating. And saw that the cake was just....a piece of cake. Nothing more. Not a monster. Not a taboo. Just a piece of cake, lying on my plate.
And best of all? The cake tasted really, really good. Amazingly good. Moist and chocolate-y and just oh-so-cakelike.
Now, this doesn't mean that I'm going to spend the next few days in the kitchen baking up cakes and taste-testing them. Nor does it mean that I am back into glutenhood for good. What it does mean, however, is that I've passed a small barrier. I had a piece of gluten-containing, rich, sweet food, and it didn't trigger any digestive or emotional malcontent. Tomorrow it might be different. Who knows? But last night, the cake was fine. Whatever happens from here on out, I can look back to this piece of cake, and remind myself that things went really, really well. Is this repeatable? I certainly hope so.
Because cake without fear is a fine thing, indeed.
3 comments:
That is wonderful news, Ai Lu! I'm so glad you got to enjoy your cake and feel good about it/with it/after it!
I had some second thoughts after posting my last comment to your cake-post. I didn't mean to project my own challenges onto you or imply that this might become anything less than a successful experiment. I am personally not quite there yet, but the fact that you are able to venture into glutenous territory and do fine with it is an inspiration for me, and it gives me confidence that I will be able to eat all sorts of things again in the future without it throwing me physically or emotionally out of balance!
Yay for you, and I hope you get to enjoy a lot more delicious foods and feel great about them whenever you choose to!!
lots of love to you,
~ej
Emily:
Thanks for checking back in with me. I knew that you were writing to me with the best of intentions -- because you know from personal experience how hard it can be to eat trigger foods -- and that's how I took your comment, as best wishes.
I also have been thinking about how each of our journeys with eating disorders are so unique, even as they resemble each other. I find it very easy to over-identify with other women who are going through something similar to what I am currently experiencing or have experienced in the past. So when I read your comment, I also had to remind myself that you were speaking of your reactions to gluten, which may or may not be similar to mine. It is not good or bad that they are different; they simply are. It sounds like you also recognize this!
On another note, I am glad that my forays into glutenhood have been encouraging to you. But I also hope that you will continue to listen to your own body to understand its needs, and not to compare yourself to what I am doing. Triggers can be very powerful things, indeed! And sometimes we need to create boundaries for ourselves in order to protect ourselves from those triggers.
Peace,
Ai Lu
Those are some wise observations, Ai Lu! I agree that it is very easy to identify with other women in similar situations, and, sometimes, we may forget that our experiences, though in some ways very much alike, are still all unique and different. Ultimately, we need to honor our own bodies' wisdom, as well as respect and appreciate that other people may be different. I think ED people actually tend to be very sensitive to other people's personal needs. I think it is more often from people who haven't had experience with ED that we encounter lack of understanding or expectations that if something worked for them, it should work for us, too. Not to generalize, though from my experience, it does seem that people who have dealt with ED are very sensitive and often very empathetic individuals.
It has been so wonderful and invaluable for me to meet all these amazing women who have struggled with all different kinds of ED in many different ways (and at different stages) in the blog world, where they write with so much honesty and authenticity about their experiences! And it is very inspiring to meet women who have fully recovered and left their ED behind them for good!
By the way, I recently read an excellent book called Gaining - The Truth About Life After Eating Disorders. Have you read it? The author is Aimee Liu. If you haven't read it yet, I highly recommend it!
Sending much love to you,
~ej
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