Permissions, continued

I am glad that I gave myself permissions last week, because some of them certainly came in handy.

Take #1, "Buy warm cycling clothes." Last Saturday I planned a long bike ride outside of NYC and, like any outdoorswoman, dutifully checked the weather forecast ahead of time. It said that the day would be in the 40's, so I happily set off at 8:30am expecting a great day. Not so -- the temperature never got above freezing, there was a blustery head wind the whole way out, and by the time I got to my turn-around point, in Piermont, New York, it was all I could do to not spend the rest of the day in a coffee-shop and find a bus back to Manhattan. Instead, I found the nearest bike shop and explained my situation: unless I found some warmer clothing, I would never make it home! Could they help me? Did I have my credit card on my person? Yes to both. To make a long story short, I spent much too much money on biking clothing for my paltry income, but happily I did make it home that day, and I have new booties, gloves, and polypropylene to show for it.

Perhaps most significantly, the third item on that list, "I give myself permission to not like my job," has also been useful this week, as I have been going back and forth over whether to stay in this particular research lab next year. Admitting to myself that I don't like it there was a first step to realizing that I need to leave. Moreover, I learned this week that they won't have any "funding" (i.e. salary) for me next year, giving me even less of a reason to stay, but if I liked it even a smidgen I just might consider staying there anyway, because the research topic is interesting. As it stands, I have been treated coldly by some of my colleagues and unjustly by others, and the work itself is not engaging enough to make up for the lack of personal connection there, so I'm outie. Just taking the step last week of admitting to myself how much I do not like my job, has made it so much easier to say "No, thank you" to another year of the same.

As for #18, permission to "Disagree with my husband about Joni Mitchell's music," yesterday I went to the New York Library for the Performing Arts and picked up another of her albums, Songs of a Prairie Girl, along with all of the Bach cantatas that I could carry home. So I will keep listening to her regardless of my husband's opinion!

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